Random thoughts

So basically all my life, I've been what's known as a pleaser. I aim to please. I like little drama and happy people. I love it when my friends are getting along and not hating each other. Needless to say, life is not so simple. But with this being my nature, you can understand why being friends with various drama queens (and kings) is at times trying. I specifically refer to my Chambana friends when I refer to the dramatic folks, although some of my friends from home definitely qualify. My Springfield pals are too new and with the exception of a few I don't confide deeply in them.

ANYHOO-moving on...

I very seldomly ask for sympathy or make people feel sorry for me. I don't like being the center of attention or the subject of pity/sympathy. I'm not shy, but I am definitely reserved. I get physically sick at the thought of being at the "center" of things-this may sound weird, but it's true-my friends in Chambana regularly scream/freak out when I show up at various events, I guess because they don't see me so much this year. I've never said this before, but when everyone is running around me and showering me with attention, it actually makes me nauseous. I miss the simple days of my senior year where is was just all of us chilling at White Horse with a few R&C pitchers and a bad rendition of "Piano Man". When no one missed me and people took my presence for granted-how horrible is that? I'm not saying that it's not nice to know I'm missed so much, but, yeah-life was simple last year. Everyone loved me, but they didn't have to worry about missing me. Last year, when the biggest decision any of us made was what bar we were going to and what we were going to drink, and where we were going to eat afterwards.

Let's just say things have changed...a lot. Not just with me, either.

But with this being said, I wish some people would realize that I am NOT invincible. And although I try to keep people happy, even I am sensible to realize that sometimes this is NOT entirely possible-LIFE freaking HAPPENS and you have to roll with the punches, so to speak. I realize that I CANNOT be everything to everyone at all times. I try, but there's no sense in doing this because you only end up hurting yourself. You cannot spend your life apologizing for everything that goes wrong and everyone that DOES wrong otherwise, you'll be apologizing your entire life-bc this world is full of faults. I have finally realized that I have to take care of myself first and this semester I really HAVEN'T been doing that-I am taking a full load of graduate coursework, I am working about 25 hours a week at FB, and doing an internship on top of things-and still trying to pull a 4.0, eat, sleep, and maybe somewhere in there squeeze a social life. Oh, and deal with drama in general-strangely, hardly any of it is mine! FORGET dating-when would I have time? Not that there have been any potential Mr. Rights (or even Mr. Right Nows), but if there were, you can rest assured that I wouldn't have time OR energy for them. The fact that there are no decent men left in the ENTIRE world is an entirely different story for when I have much more energy.

Basically, my doctor told me that I have to slow down or I am going to end up with an ulcer or mono or something equally horrible. So today, as I was thinking about the hectic state that is my life, I made a vow to start putting myself ahead of others (not in a selfish way), LEARN TO SAY NO, and just overall take better care of myself. Because I haven't been doing that. Not at all, lately.

Ok. that's enough for tonight, I'm really tired of all of this rambling/ranting and the best way I can take care of ME right now is to get some sleep...stay tuned, more later.